Identity Theft: On acting your new way of being
“Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be."
- Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game
So we know that habits form through a process of cue, routine and reward. We understand the power of keystone habits and ideally, we have the two biggest keystones, in exercise and meditation, working their magic in our daily life.
Now we need to ensure these habits stick.
What we do repeatedly - what we spend time thinking about and doing each day forms who we are, the things we believe, and the personalities we portray. Usefully, this also works in reverse.
Got ID?
If you remember back to how those with a fixed mindset immediately dismiss anything that is inconsistent with their idea of who they are.
“I'm not a maths person"
"I don't play tennis"
Any disconnect between thought and behaviour is called cognitive dissonance, and this curse of the undercover cop is a psychological discomfort that we will always look to resolve, even subconsciously.
This means that if we can adopt the beliefs and mindset of those we wish to emulate, we will begin to behave in that manner also. Just as importantly, we will eliminate the behaviours that are not consistent with it.
Take your pick:
"Here, have a donut."
"No thanks, (I’m trying to lose weight) I better not."
(Woe is me. Living a life of rules and restrictions, on yet another diet. Surely one donut can’t hurt, they look damn good.)
This is a boring, yet inevitable debate needs to be cut off at the knees.
2. "Here, have a donut."
"No thanks, (I’m an athlete), I don’t eat donuts."
(End of story. Empowered. In control. Calling the shots)
If you can start with personality and belief your actions will follow suit. Stop wanting it. Start being it - eating donuts is just not me.
Even more helpful is that when we adopt a new identity rather than just a specific behaviour, it is multi-faceted:
What does that person eat and drink?
What does their fridge look like?
What do they eat when they are out?
How often do they exercise?
How much sleep do they get?
These all become obvious extensions of the one idea. It's very common when projecting to get our wires crossed, easy to forget that other people are a reflection of their behaviour also.
"I wish I had a body like that, I could eat what I want."
In assuming another identity, we are forced to go a bit deeper than this sort of mistaken, defensive thinking and also to confront whether or not what we want is even realistic. Despite its reliance, at least initially, on imagination, it's strange that assuming an identity can, in fact, help to ground our ideals, our fantasies, firmly in reality. In going on a little mental journey inside another life, do we really find Tims Tams in their cupboards? Do they spend all weekend eating pizza and drinking booze?
Really?
Your new identity can be whatever you like. See what appeals and then just take it. Pick something that is aligned with where you want to be and how you want to (realistically) live your life. Then just get on with it.
Not chasing, wishing, trying, or buying. Just BE-ing.
James Clear writes brilliantly about this in the Huffington Post (and his blog), in particular detailing the different layers of behaviour change. We start with just assuming this new identity - essentially acting it, but, as Clear writes, and as cognitive dissonance demands, we also have to prove it to ourselves. This is yet one more reason why we focus on developing small habits first. These are the easy wins that help to affirm your new identity, with each adding another layer of authenticity.
As ever, this depends on awareness. Thinking about how you’re living in each moment, living with deliberate intent and concentrating only on the process. In this manner, your appearance or performance based goals are decided - a fait accompli.
Unfortunately, as is all too often the case with motivation, ordinarily the carrot isn't enough. Which can only mean one thing - stick time.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
- George Burns
From Homer, we learn the tale of Ulysses (Odysseus in Greek). On his journey home from the Trojan Wars, Ulysses sailed close to the Sirenusian Islands - the home of the fabled Sirens, their songs luring ships to their destruction.
Ulysses devised a plan. Instructing his crew to fill their ears with beeswax so they would remain unaffected, and to ignore any of his pleas to be released, he strapped himself securely to the mast so that he would be unable to act on his impulses, in doing so, he would become the first to survive the Siren's song.
Ulysses gave his rational mind power over his emotional mind. In pre-committing himself to a course of action, when unaffected by obvious future influence, he was able to ensure he stuck to his decision.
This is the Ulysses Contract - a decision made in the present that is both intended and designed to bind you in future. Your present-self is more than happy to talk the talk - it doesn't have to do anything other than set the rules. But whether that choice is a cigarette, internet shopping purchase, or an extra helping of dessert, your future-self is not nearly so good at actually living them.
Solution. Thumbscrews!
Okay, I'm perhaps a little eager. We don't have to go straight to the thumbscrews, but this is where your present-self doesn't just get to call the shots, it also gets to put on a balaclava and make sure your future-self gets the message - anything from a gentle tickle to a psychological water-boarding. Isn't the present fun!
The only question is - just how much coercion will your future-self really need?
Zelda Gamson had been a smoker for decades. She had tried on numerous occasions to quit without success. Then one day she made a deal with her future self - holding a friend responsible as both witness and adjudicator.
Zelda pledged to donate $5000 to a particular organisation if she ever smoked a single cigarette again. The organisation?
The Ku Klux Klan.
Zelda Gamson, ex civil-rights activist, would donate $5000 to the KKK if she ever smoked again.
And that. Was that.
The problem in sticking to our habits is that our future is an abstract concept when compared to our present. Even though our rational mind has decided what we want and what we need to do to get it, it gets overruled.
But we can even the playing field. Give your long-term battles some form of immediacy - bring them into the present. Turn the now vs future, into a now vs now.
"I want a cigarette now" vs "I hate the KKK", now.
Clearly, you don't have to be as extreme but if you are serious about it, why not? It all hinges on you finding something that hurts more than resisting temptation. If X. Then Y. What's a little blackmail between selves?
Especially so when we consider that there is one reason for all of this. A single reason why we concentrate on habits, identity, keystones and Ulysses Contracts. We can dress it up in noble aspirations and lofty goals all we like, but when it comes right down to it this is a juvenile pursuit. Even then, it's less the rosy-cheeked and more the snot running down the chin, kind. Like a bratty toddler throwing a tantrum in the supermarket, this is about one thing, and one thing only.
Getting what you want.
REFERENCES
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-clear/accomplish-goals_b_2458787.html
http://www.radiolab.org/2011/mar/08/you-v-you/
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